I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
