I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
