No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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