If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
