wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
