so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
