I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
