I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
