So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
