Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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