You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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