Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
