i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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