...so i touched it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
