i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
