Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
