he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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