that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
