if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
