I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
