mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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