My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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