Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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