I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
