Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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