his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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