I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
