There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
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You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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