I need to stop coming to work sober
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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