How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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