New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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