??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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