it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
