This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
