I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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