I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
