do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
