I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
