Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
