I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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