mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
