Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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