Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
