you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
