So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I need to align my fucking chakras
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
