your parents love me but you hate me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
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