if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
