So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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