he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
there is glitter all over my balls
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