There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
