You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
