You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
