member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
