But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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