I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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