omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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